You must have a great family. The only response to give is a smile, a nod of the head, and "Yea, you would think so".
I confess that being a license marriage and family therapist does not magically turn my children into saints. It like saying a plumber never has a leak at home.
Another confession, my wife is the lead enforcer of our house.
The tool of choice is the "If …Then…" chart. It is a behavioral chart that spells out the things not to do. If you do … then expect … as a consequence, it is that simple. Knowing what is expected and the consequence when you do not do it, teaches that actions matter, both good and bad.
“Children find comfort in rules. Set clear expectations, and you will prevent some misbehavior from occurring,” says Christine Todd, Ph.D. Todd is a Child Development Specialist with the National Network for Child Care, she points out that you can “control” children’s behavior through rules, but the goal is to teach self-control.
Children often follow rules for a reward or to avoid punishment. That is not good. Children need rules because they believe in them and see their purpose. When mom and dad explain why the rules are important, their child is more apt to develop self-control. They are also more sensitive to the needs of others, according to Dr. Todd.
It is a discipline for life. The rules of society dictate the expected behavior. The obvious example is traffic laws. I ask my children, "Why, at midnight, do I sit deserted at a red light and wait till it turns green?" They know the answer, "Because you're suppose to."
The not so obvious example is social events where etiquette is the law. This is when your child becomes aware of others and the mood of the occasion. Conduct is the law and misbehavior is punishable.
It all starts with a sit down to expected what is expected and when. With everyone gathered around the kitchen table, out comes the poster board and magic marker. In big letters, "If...Then..." is displayed at the top. What follows is a family meeting of the top five behaviors that cause the most problems. Dr. Todd suggests as few rules as possible.
The number and types of behavior listed, depends upon the family size and age. Pre-school aged children understand rules and older siblings can effectively model the appropriate behavior and response to punishment.
Some of the more common family issues that cause the most problems are:
Whining
Not excepting "No" as an answer
Speaking harshly to others
Lying
Sneaking and Dishonesty
Teasing
Disrespect of a parent
Violence against another
Tattling
Disobeying
The other side of the chart lists the corresponding consequence. This is also a subject of the family meeting that mom and dad direct.
Any punishment is always tailored to the child. Writing is a more beneficial for an eight year old then spending a day in his or her room.
Victoria, a home schooling mom of five says, “If they disobey, then they write.” She assigns a Bible verse on disobedience, Ephesians 6:1, which is wrote out the number times that matches the child’s age. In addition, there is an essay of the parents' choice, and of course, an apology.
Victoria is also a foster parent of twin eight year olds. Speaking of the usefulness of the chart, she says, “It helped my foster children adapt to their new home. They felt like they were part of the family because everyone was expected to behave the same and everyone received the same punishment when they did not.”
Behavioral charts like the “If…Then…” work because the child knows what the rules are. It is much easier to follow the rules, if you know what they are. The child also knows the consequence, so that every punishment is consistent.
This simple tool maintains consistency. The chart limits argument because the discussion has all ready happened in the family meeting, it is spelled out, "If...Then..."
The following links have information and materials on various behavioral charts. Many charts and other parenting tools are free of charge on the Internet.
